Control Freak

My name is Kelly….and I am a control freak. There. I said it. Whew!

I wish is was that easy. To just admit our character flaws and short comings and be done with it. But, God loves us too much to make it that easy. If that were the case, we would never learn those “deep soul lessons” that are so important to our walk with God. Those lessons that bring us closer to Him and help us to develop a deeper, more mature walk with Him.

Control is something I struggle with on a daily basis. As a wife, mother, friend and employee. And, even as a child of the King. There are many times in my life I have tried (and continue to try) to control and manipulate God’s plan for my life. Sometimes it appeared that I was successful. Most times, it was a hard lesson learned.

I have learned that one reason I desire to control these situations is because I’m scared of the changes that God might ask me to make in my life. Changes that I don’t think I am quite ready to make. Many times, when I sense God asking me to make a change in my life, I conveniently let His voice get drowned out by the busyness of my day to day “stuff”. Hang on, God. I’ll be right with you. Let me finish making dinner. I need to get this toilet cleaned.

Then, there are those times when I really don’t want to hear what God is saying….because it just seems that it would be too hard to comply with His request. It would take too much effort on my part. Why can’t He just “fix it” instead of making me go through all the hard stuff. Then, it occurred to me that this is really about obedience. For me, it’s about trusting God enough to allow him the control. All I need to do is obey Him….even when it does not make any sense.

Oswald Chambers said, “All God’s revelations are sealed until they are opened to us by obedience….obey God in the thing He shows you, and instantly the next thing is opened up….God will never reveal more truth about Himself until you have obeyed what you already know.”

Remember, God has a plan. We may not be able to see the end of the story, but it’s important to remember that we can trust the Author.

New blog with my sister: 2 Sisters 2 Seasons! Check it out!

My Head is Spinning.....

I finally got to the ENT to see about getting tubes in my ears. Little did I realize that the main cause of all my dizziness was actually Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV). A person can get dizzy just trying to pronounce that word, huh? BPPV is caused when things like an infection or inflammation stop the tiny calcium "stones" inside the inner ear from moving as they should and then sends a false message to the brain and affects your balance. These stones help maintain your balance. Normally, when we stand up or turn our heads, these stones move around – but, it the movement is blocked, BPPV can occur. Although rare, BPPV can occur in both ears. Wouldn't you know it....I've got it in BOTH ears!

It is not unusual for me to have 2-4 inner ear infections a year, and with my seasonal allergies - fluid behind my ear is a chronic problem. Because I had been to the doctor a week ago, and placed on antibiotics for the ear infection - the ENT saw no fluid in my ears. As we began to discuss my symptoms, he told me that he was going to test me for BPPV. Having had a treatment for BPPV before, I knew what was coming and I was NOT happy.

Basically, the doctor looks for (1) Signs and symptoms of dizziness that are prompted by eye or head movements and then decrease in less than one minute, (2) Dizziness with specific eye movements that occur when you lie on your back with your head turned to one side and tipped slightly over the edge of the examination bed, (3) Involuntary movements of your eyes from side to side (nystagmus) and (4) Your ability to control your eye movements.

Here's how it works: You sit on a table with your legs stretched out in front of you. The doctor has you turn your head to the left and, keeping your eyes open, begin to lay down on the table. When you are finally flat on the table, your head is hanging off the end of the table and the dizziness hits a new level. While the doctor is holding your head in one hand, he tells you to focus on his finger (which is about 2" up toward the ceiling). Dear Jesus, to keep from vomiting all over the place....all I could do was cry. I kept trying to close my eyes, and he kept telling me to keep them open. That was the longest 20 minutes of my life!

Thankfully, no surgery is required. The treatment for BPPV is a series of movements known as the canalith repositioning procedure. This procedure consists of several simple and slow maneuvers for positioning your head. The goal is to move particles from the fluid-filled semicircular canals of your inner ear into a tiny bag-like open area (vestibule) that houses one of the otolith organs (utricle) in your ear where these particles don't cause trouble and are more easily reabsorbed. Each position is held for about 30 seconds after any symptoms or abnormal eye movements stop. This procedure is usually effective after one or two treatments. I'm told I get the privilege of having at least two treatments. Lucky me!

Two hours later, I am finally on my way home. The next few days after this procedure you have to sleep with you head elevated, making sure that your ears don't fall below shoulder level. This allows time for the particles floating in your labyrinth to settle into your vestibule and be reabsorbed by the fluids in your inner ear.

Any questions? :D

We went to the Bayou City Arts Festival (in downtown Houston) today. Let me just say, here are a few of my new favorite artists:

Big World Photo

Absolutely creative and amazing photographs - and I can guarantee you probably have not seen anything like this! Check it out!

Iona Handcrafted Books

This is definately on my wish list for Christmas! I had a really hard time pulling myself away from these journals!

Anthony Hansen creates the most amazing pieces of art with automotive sheet metal. I am certain that I could find a place in every room of my house for everyone of his creations!

So, I went over to visit Diana, at The Devine Home, to get some home decorating inspriation and was thrilled to stumble upon one of the funnest (is that a word?) things ever! It was actually started by Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow.

Dear ADD Brain,
Please quit changing the subject when….Oh, heck, I forgot to lock the front door when I left this morning….I am trying so hard to stay on track!
Chasing squirrels, Kelly

Dear Crème Brulee Candy Corn,
I’m so disappointed that you did not taste as good as you should have! Boo!
Cheating on you with chocolate, Kelly

Dear Laundry,
Quit pro-creating on the bathroom floor while I am at work!
“Washing” you all away, Kelly

Dear Fluid in my Ears:
Get out already! Don’t think crossing over to the other side, either!

Dear Remington,
Can you please quit wanting to go out in the middle of the night? I mean, if you need to pee…that’s fine. But, don’t go outside and lay in the grass just for the heck of it!
Your loving human, Kelly

Dear Jesus,
When are you coming back? Life is getting really hard.
Waiting patiently, Kelly

Dear Boo Berry Cereal,
Where are you this year? Please tell me that you will eventually show up in stores. I cannot imagine the month of October with you!
Berry Disappointed I Have Not Found You Yet, Kelly

Dear Coach Store Outlet,
Would you please considering opening “just for me”? I cannot stand all those crazed women running over each other for a purse they are not even sure they want. It’s scary.

Totally Devoted (but NOT Crazed) Shopper, Kelly

Dear President Obama,
I’d like to see you spend a day or two working in a doctor’s office, hospital or pharmacy. You’d quit within an hour.
Not a fan, Kelly

Dear Brain,
I am sorry that someone took you out of my head, ran you over, and then poured you back into my skull.
With Thoughts of Playdough in My Head, Kelly

*This is actually a post I wrote about 3 years ago! I always love the opportunity to share this part of our journey - and thought this month's Marriage Monday was a perfect oppportunity!

With the upcoming day of our 20 year wedding anniversary fast approaching, I have been thinking alot about how we got here! It's hard to believe how different things were 5 years ago! Richard was preparing to go on his first (of many) mission trips to Russia. Seems everyone except Beth thought this was strange.....let me explain that!

Richard had never "voiced" any interest to go on a mission trip - especially to an orphanage in Russia. As I watched him prepare for this trip, I began to see his heart....but, I will never forget when Beth told me that she thought God was going to use this trip (mightily) in his life! Wow! You sure were right, Beth! You see, as he was preparing for this trip - our marriage was falling apart. Which added another confusing element to this time of our life. I mean, who on earth would leave the country to share Christ with orphans when their marriage was falling apart, right? Ha! Well, God sure got me! You see, God used this mission trip to teach Richard about His unconditional love for him! Details on this aspect later.....

Richard was in Russia on our 15th wedding anniversary! I was a total wreck! The enemy was playing with my mind in a way that goes beyond explanation. I had convinced myself that as soon as Richard returned, he was going to tell me it was over.....and he was filing for divorce! Well, that's not exactly what happened....but, it was close (at least that was what I thought)! You see, we had grown apart.....there were not big, dramatic fights or adultery involved. It was not money issues...as so often the cause!

Marty, our counselor, told us that the problem was not the marriage itself - it was unresolved issues that was causing the problem in our marriage. Issues that occurred in our lives before we had even met one another. Issues that kept us paralyzed and in bondage - causing us to become self absorbed, controlling and unable to communicate in a way that would honor our marriage and allow us to grow together as husband and wife! The journey to discovering (and uncovering) the generational sins in our lives and identifying them for the purpose of being set free is an entire story in itself (details on that later)!

When Richard returned home from his trip (which was in June) we began counseling. It was, by far, the longest year of my life! He went one week and I went the next week. The attacks from the enemy began manifesting themselves in a very physical way (with me)! I would become so overwhelmed with dizziness that I could hardly function! After about 4 months of counseling, it was decided that Richard needed to move out for 6 months while we continued intense counseling. Yikes! I once again began a downward spiral.....but, what I realized (after he was gone about 2 months) - was the reason he had to move out was because I was so busy trying to put band aids on the wounds that God was opening up and trying to heal in his life....that God got sick of me getting in the way.....and not working on MY issues! I was actually hindering my husband from receiving a miraculous healing from God! Ouch! Yes, that was about the same time I became convicted that I had major problems with control and manipulation! Ha! It was at this point that I also began to realize that I was not invited to be part of the relationship that God wanted with Richard. It was only about the two of them.....no one else!

That year of our lives was amazing and full of every emotion you could possible have....we are so grateful for the Godly counsel we received from Marty Sholars.....in fact, she has become one of our dearest friends....and we still talk with her often! God is amazing. I have known for several years that He wants me to put our story in print, to share with others.....so, this is the start of my obedience to God. To publicly testify and declare to the world the miracle He did in our lives.....because we chose to believe God for our marriage and committed ourselves to see this through - He was faithful! Thank you, Lord. There are no words to describe my thankfulness, love and adoration for you!

Thursday's Thought.....

"When a man gets to despair, he knows that all his thinking won't get him out. He will only get out by the sheer creative effort of God. Consequently, he is in the right attitude to receive from God that which he cannot gain for himself." - Oswald Chambers

Can You Relate?

The contrast between 1 Kings 18 and 1 Kings 19 are startling. In Chapter 18, Elijah is bold and courageous. He experienced God’s supernatural strength to do extraordinary things. Then, in Chapter 19, we find Elijah exhausted, depressed and fearful.

While Elijah was obedient to God, and God “showed up” - Elijah was expecting a different outcome. He was disappointed that the results of his obedience did not turn out like he expected. How often we forget that while we are responsible for trusting and obeying God, we are NOT responsible for the results of that obedience.

When we allow the results and expectations to become the source of our happiness – the result is often depression and fear. I never noticed before, but when Elijah sought shelter under a broom tree - rather than in the Almighty - did you notice that we never see Elijah calling out to the Lord for help or direction? Instead, we see Elijah asking God to allow him to die. Immediately after Elijah falls asleep, God sends an angel to Elijah....encouraging him to "get up and eat." God does not tell him to "pull yourself out of this funk and get with the program".....instead, he allows Elijah a time of rest and restoration. A much needed time of rest and restoration.

Lessons Learned

Last spring, I had the opportunity to learn about the vegan lifestyle…and make a few new friends at the same time. I posted this on my blog and never dreamed I would get the reaction that I did. A few weeks, ago I went back to visit the forum where it all started – just to check in and see if anything new had been posted.

I discovered that they have a term on this forum named after me. Whenever someone links to a blog and the person signs up to reply to the thread, they say they’ve been “kfishered”.

As funny as this sounds, this experience has really got me thinking…..mostly about how quickly we seem to assume we know something or someone – just from a “title”. I, personally, have been too quick to judge and assume on many occasions.

If you want to read the entire thread, you can find it here.

Here are some of the “welcome backs” I received on this thread

Nice to see you again Kfisher! You're pretty famous around these parts.

You're famous in a good way! We use the word, kfisher for when someone finds a thread about themselves, and comments.

kfisher! It's like seeing a celebrity at the grocery store!

I think the best kfisher experience since you were gone was when someone complained about some expensive chocolates they got that came and weren't as good as they hoped, that they were stale. The chocolate maker somehow found out, and apologized that those didn't turn out to her standards and they sent the poster more free chocolate to make it up! Do you have free chocolate for us?
Celebrity sighting. Hi kfisher!

Day = made! Welcome back, kfisher! I'm going to second Jaymoh's warning about the Whole Foods cupcakes, but I'm glad you got a good one!

i am psyched to see this thread so that i now know the origin of kfisher! cool!

kfisher, it's good to hear from you! Welcome back! <3>

To my new buddies at Post Punk Kitchen....here's to you!

At the Senior parent meeting last night, a friend read the most incredible poem titled "Trust Me with Your Isaac". She talked about how hard it is to let your kids go at this stage of life. Thought I would share! P.S. Get a tissue!

TRUST ME WITH YOUR ISAAC

For every Abraham who dares to kiss the foreign field,
where glory for a moment grasped is for a lifetime tilled…

The voice of God speaks not but once
but ‘till the traveler hears “Abraham, Abraham! Bring your Isaac here.”

“Bring not the blemished sacrifice, what lovest thou the most?
Look not into the distance, you’ll find your Isaac close.”

“I hear the tearing of your heart torn between two loves,
the one your vision can behold, the Other hid above.”

“Do you trust me, Abraham with your gravest fear?
Will your pry your fingers loose and bring your Isaac here?”

“Have I not made you promises? Hold them tight instead!
I am the Lover of your soul—the Lifter of your head.”

“Believe me, O my Abraham when blinded by the cost.
Arrange the wooded altar and count your gains but loss.”

“Let tears wash clean your blinded eyes until unveiled you see—
the ram caught in the thicket there to set your Isaac free.”

“Perhaps I’ll send him down the mount to walk right by your side.
No longer in your iron grasp but safer still in mine.”

“Or I may wrap him in the wind and sweep him from your sight
To better things beyond your reach – believe with all your might!”

“Look up, beloved Abraham. Can you count the stars?
Multitudes will stand to reap from one dear friend of God.”

“Pass the test, my faithful one; bow to me as Lord.
Trust me with your Isaac – see, I am your great Reward.”